Thoughts of the day

Recently I told you that my grandmother passed away.  It’s only been one week and I’m still not entirely sure that I have a full grasp on the reality of it all.  Several family members have died throughout my adult life but none as close to me as MeMe.  Maybe that’s why I’m left a bit confused by it all.

My first feelings were that of sadness.  This was the first time I witnessed someone die right in front of my eyes.  It’s not something that I would like to see again but perhaps my perspective will change on that as years go on.  I can’t help but think that, by being there, I might be able to heal faster than if I wasn’t.  When I went to the ER that day I wasn’t sure what to expect, certainly MeMe couldn’t pass away at the young age of 95 …I thought for sure she would live to 100!  The Lord had different plans and as sad as it has left me I have to respect that.

Next up was anger (and oh by the way I’m still sad), pissed even!  Why did this have to happen?  My grandmother had just been moved to a nursing home in September and now, less than two months later, she’s gone.  Before she went to the nursing home she was at the hospital and they had taken her off her medications.  I don’t know the reason why (yet) but they took her off her heart medication and a blood thinner.  Here she was in the ER diagnosed with a heart attack and then they found large blood clots in her lungs.  Would she have passed away if she was still on her medication?  Or had her age finally caught up to her?  I may never know the true answer and honestly I’m not sure that I want to know.  It’s probably easier to say she was 95 and her body had enough (although she had a pretty sharp mind).

On a more bitter note …I have more anger that’s directed towards some people who, for the sake of rising above it all, shall remain nameless.  To forgive these people will be my biggest hurdle.  Honestly, I don’t know that I will ever have it in me to truly forgive and I will never forget their acts of cruelty.